“You have to meet people where they are at. And sometimes, you have to leave them there” – Iyanla Vanzant.
What to do after you’ve been a ‘doormat’ in a relationship.
I’ve been reflecting on a relationship in which I was a doormat. I didn’t know (or ask for) what I wanted. He didn’t love or respect me, but I begged for him to stay. I had so little self-respect I would do anything to keep him. Then he cheated on me. That was my boundary. You could treat me like a doormat, but cheating, that was not acceptable!
A high percentage of people have been in an abusive relationship. This means a high percentage of people have been a doormat. This is a nice way of saying that they have allowed someone to wipe crap on them. I’m speaking from experience (no judgement here) and when I was finally out of that relationship, I made a pact with myself that I would never let someone wipe shit on me again.
The next relationship I got in was a test from the Universe. I passed. I cared about this one, we had so much fun, but then something changed. A wee lie was told, and I had to make a choice. I let him go with love. I knew where that path would lead.
It hurt. Boy did it hurt. But you know what else? It felt good, for the first time in my life to have clear boundaries about how I expected lovers to treat me (like a goddess) and to not allow anyone to cross them. It felt good to respect myself.
Now it’s normal when you are younger to play the boundary game. My kids do it all the time (let’s see how far we can push mum today)! In first relationships (if that is what we’ve learned), then it serves as a good learning experience too. But as we mature the idea of encroaching on someone’s land to take their lawns and their house, and eventually their bed seems a little immature. But that is basically what a dysfunctional relationship is. The loser sleeps on the floor.
If someone is still doing this as an adult, they are probably unconscious of it. If I were you, I’d call them out on it. “Excuse me but this is my land, my house and my bed, what the fuck is so wrong with your own, that you feel you have the right to take over mine?” When you tell someone, you are conscious of their games and you refuse to play, the rules change.
Mostly for you. Even though their behavior is not about you. It never was. There is something deep they don’t want to face if they are trying to reside elsewhere (but that is not your problem to fix). If you stand strong in your boundaries and expectations, you will give off an energy of “don’t even try” and people will start to respect your self-respect.
If you keep attracting the same ‘type’, then maybe you have some underlying beliefs that are not serving you. Perhaps ‘all men are dogs’ is the unconscious program running? You will continue to bring yourself these experiences until you start to really believe that there are genuinely beautiful and awakened men out there.
When you do the inner work. When you stop being desperate for another half to make you whole. When you focus on what you want (rather than on what you’ve had), I promise you, you will attract to yourself who you are.
When two people who have strong boundaries come together, none of the domination games exist. There is a mutual respect. Speaking up when you don’t like the way they spoke to you. A recognition by the person who acted momentarily in old programming, that they shouldn’t have spoken to you that way. And happy days.
Now isn’t that a dream worth fighting for?
Remember- you are the divine being who makes the grass greener xx
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